Saturday, March 7, 2015

Being brave, the goodbyes, and the unsaid last goodbye

So.. Time is up.

The last day is officially here. Although I should hardly call it the real last day right? It will actually be a "soft transition" phase for me. Subconsciously, I should be more relieved, as per my plan: I'll be back 5 weeks later, by which time I will have already settled back home, gotten back used to being away from Dubai so that when I go back for good, I will be alright.

But of course, right now I can't help but have mixed feelings. Because I know that next time I'll be here, it will only be for a couple of weeks, just like a tourist - but with more work to do.. To move out of the house, sell the car, deal with the relocation chores..

What will I miss here? My apartment, of all places and above everything. First-ever "my place". My beautiful view... The Marina, the beautiful friends I made here, the assignment at work that has taught me so much, the colleagues that turned into friends.. The memories I have here with my innumerable visitors which I recall every time I revisit a place. And yes, I should also mention that plummeting heartbeat of the last couple of my Dubai months.. The rush of blood to my heart, to my brain.. The smiles, the warmth of my heart.. The heart break.. Being brave and saying goodbye at the right time.. Yes, of course I'm reminiscing about all of this tonight, as I sit on my balcony..

I'm not breaking my beautiful Dubai times down to him, of course not. But tonight, I feel like doing that as I write here.

I frankly haven't thought much about him, at least not as much as I had thought I would. Maybe I was too pre-occupied.. But coming to the last day in Dubai, I wonder whether I have already said everything possible to him the night I said my goodbye almost 2 months ago. Regardless... Tonight in particular, I feel like talking to him. I feel like asking him why. Why he never even cared enough to contact me. Why had he chosen to tell me over and over again back then that he would keep calling me. Yes I'd said I would not answer, but at the end of the day he did create that expectation. That he would call. That he would show up suddenly at my doorstep. That he would do something. Not just feeble and childish acts of communication through the likes/comments on social media, no. I mean REAL contact. I would tell him that this made me realize something. That the past he was always so hung up on will haunt him forever, if he doesn't let things go. That even if his big issues would pass, the past will always be there. That I would probably never have been completely happy with him anyway. That he was right, perhaps all of this IS for the best. That the universe's power is always with me. That yes I do miss him, but that it doesn't change anything. I was brave enough to walk away, and that was the right thing to do. I wanted to see him every now and then; but then I realized - what's the point?

So I decided... no need to have yet another goodbye. Some things are better left unsaid, maybe just written. With the comfort of feeling that they will still be somehow said to him, known to him..